The Start Button

On video games there is usually a start button.  When I was younger if you hit the start button your game would sometimes reset and go back to the beginning.  This was both good and bad.  It meant that if your brother was mad at you he could hit the button and loose your progress (honestly that happened mostly the other way around), and it also meant that if the game wasn't going well you could hit the button and get back to a point where it was going well.  So that's what I'm doing now.  I need to restart. 

I doubt that this will be the last restart but who knows (I am working on the being positive thing).  I disclosed a while back that I am in a battle with depression.  Part of this fight has been working on how I manage myself and my stress.  The past month has been stressful, not all bad stress but stress just the same.  I am planning a wedding, getting settled into a new job, and worrying about my health and the complications that come with that.  I also have been really scared recently about the future.  I know I can't predict it, I know I can't control it... I can worry about, I shouldn't worry about it but since that all I can really DO... I DO it.  See, Bear and I are thinking about starting a family.  But I haven't met all my conditions yet... I had this idea that there were certain things that would have happened in my life by the time I was ready for kids they are as follows:

1. Be semi-fluent in Spanish
2. Both have jobs
3. Have a dog
4. Have a monthly cleaning lady
5. Weigh less

None of those have come to pass, and yet I really want a kid.  So I am feeling torn and putting a lot of pressure on myself to figure out are these things necessary, are they good ideas, what do I really need, what is negotiable, how much am I willing to negotiate... 

See how I worry.

So that's sort of where I am right now. Trying to fight my depression, figure out the future, and stay in the present.  I'm trying to take it day by day and not get overwhelmed but that hasn't been the case this month... here's to March. I am making a plan which I'll post about soon, we will see if that helps!

Stay tuned...